Courage and Honesty

Okay, I broke one of my staunchest rules this week – not once but twice. And I didn’t even realize what I had done until after the second time! What rule is that?

I don’t allow others to yell at me.

I spent 17 years in a rotten marriage being yelled at and listening to my kids being yelled at. Swore I would not go back to that prison ever again. So why did I let it happen this week?

Well, the shouting came from two people – one I don’t like very much but have to spend a lot of time around. The second one was a person I like very much and who is very dear to my heart. So I guess in the interest of harmony, I tried to talk these two situations out and "put out the fires" that were created in the midst of the storm.

The really tough thing about it was that, even though the situation was quieted down, I still went home feeling a lot of anxiety and frustration. But then I was in a defeated mood, which makes Craig feel bad for me, and consequently causes him anxiety. I don’t want him to have to live in a negative atmosphere. So I am trying to work out what happened, why it happened, and how I should work it out differently next time in a more positive manner for myself (and him).

It doesn’t seem right that, in order to keep others happy and our relationships harmonious, we have to sacrifice our own sanity. Maybe it is because I don’t have the courage to speak openly and honestly to others about what they’ve done and how it effects me. Life takes a lot of courage and honesty, that is for sure. Not nearly as much fun as my usual mode of dealing with frustrations – passive/aggressive. That’s not very productive either.

I need to learn to stand up for myself in a kind, productive manner for all concerned. Lord, help me to learn to love others and myself so that I can be brave enough and love others enough to iron out the wrinkles of life in a positive manner.